This is a pointless thread. I just need to get this off my chest somewhere.
When I moved 100km away from home into a 10m² room to study IT I was pretty hyped. Volunteering for these boards was fun and I was excited to do something awesome. Weekly meetings were something I was looking forward to and I kept telling myself: "This is it! This is what I want to spent my time on!"
Even though everything was planned out in my mind and I was so see the results of my studies, volunteering for the boards, participating in eSports related events and some other new interests, I didn't move forward a single step.
I'm stuck here. With ideas I'm never gonna realize. Because what I realized, is that I somehow can't pull through with what I have in mind. Some might say "JUST DO IT!" but I just can't. I think I love studying IT. But I can't really do it. I think I loved being a volunteer, but I never did anything meaningful. I think I liked sports, but I never pursued it further. Why? I have no idea.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Which is why I'm gonna talk to professionals who might know what the hell I'm doing wrong. It's depressing. In fact it's so depressing, that the only thing I've been doing for a week or two now is stay in my 10m² room and play video games.
But league seems to make things worse. The players have been so toxic lately, that I realized I'm actually beginning to be toxic. And THAT is alarming to me. My internet is not the greatest. Even though I live in germany, our ISPs are (excuse me for my language) actually abominations. I've been starting to rage. Mostly at myself. But also sometimes in league (It never went further than "idiot", or "f*** you", but still..).
For someone who **never** did that, it feels shitty. To feel like you actually have to insult other people. I felt powerless and absolutely shitty. The (sometimes toxic) community isn't making it easy for me and the fact that my internet isn't the greatest just fuels this toxicity even further. I know I shouldn't play league when my internet isn't doing well.
But wishing reports, cancer and death doesn't really help.
My therapy starts in 2 days. I hope this will actually change my life.
Idiot 19 year old can't handle his life and his studies, gets depressed and realized he needed professional help after starting to stay inside 24/7 and raging at himself and other people.
If anyone even reads this - thanks.
WOW! I did not think this post would take off like that. Thank you so much for every comment and even those who just read the whole thing. It makes me feel like people actually care. Thank you!
But seriously 600 views is enough. Please don't make this post go viral D: This account isn't particulary anonymous or something.