I do not know how to start this thread properly, so apologizes for poor management of my thoughts.
Also, english isnt my major lang, but I hope you will understand me.
Its gonna be a long and sad story, so get some tea and cookies to warm up, and do not forget eyes bleeding protection.
Some ugly design included :)
Well... let's get started.
(I'll touch how it did affect my RL part a bit later, stay tuned for that or scroll down).
>**Here I start with some "I WAS INNOCENT AND THEY BANNED ME!" whining.**
I came from CIS boards, where I got banned. ~~(insert cis white male joke hehe xd)~~
So, yep, it was bout sexism thread.
Some guy typed shit like "all men are abusers its **pure truth**... dont want someone to call you that? stop abuse women! **it is that simple**!".
And I asked him if he degenerate or not. That's actually the reason, and I actually agree that this was a bit rude of me, but I got banned and he did not, cause for some stupid reason "abuser" is not an insult, and "degenerate" is an insult.
So, it wasnt even a point of my message to this guy. It was a conclussion of my thoughts.
And my thoughts were -
"Why I'm abuser?"
"Why my girlfriend can hear around her all these SJWs asking her "He's male, are you sure he's not abuser or rapist? Check out our book "How to recognize CIS white scumbag male who abuses women!" And cant answer em "Fck off! We're okay!" cause they will spam "uneducated patriarchatic beach, how can you be think he's okay when he's not? STOP SUPPORT ABUSERS!"
~~spoiler about book - he's straight and has a penis. here you are, saved some of your time and money~~
"You guys are claiming to label me for something I never ever did in my life and asking me to stop doing something I never ever did in my life"
"You guys are claiming to destroy my social expirience with not only women but with all society, just cause I'm a male!"
"You put me in marginal group for something that's beyond my control"
How all of that isnt degenerate? How this word in that case can be insulting for someone?
Even if it is, why dont you take away that part? Why moderation did delete my message instead of fixing that "insulting" part.
Why it caused me banned?
My head explodes of all that questions...
But that's okay :)
Since I'm priveleged I can be shut down from society completely, cuz I can find billions opportunities somewhere else. Any suggestions, guys and girls and endless list of genders?
I'm thinking of Mars... ~~Heard all males came from there~~
So... Yeah, I am a bit upset.
>**K, now a little about my life.**
I'm not really having a good time in my RL.
I'm living in Asia country, and I'm not asian, so I feel isolated already, cause people here are not really tolerate to my race (which I'm not even associating myself with).
My ideology is that there must be no races and genders *(in humans mind)* at all, so I get some hate for that from everyone too.
It's also a ~~secular~~(on paper) muslim country. And I'm not into religion, so there's also comes hate.
I couldnt finish my study, cause I had problems with local language exams and goverment tries to push its language harder with every year.
And I also had a hard time after I broke up with my GF, so I couldnt focus on studying.
And, I agree, that's my fault, cuz I suck at managing my life and set up proper goals... but hey, people are different, no?... Eh, okay, I suck at life hate me for that too.
I was working at school for some time (as a journalist).
There're alot of women in education shpere, and most of em having hard time to work with men. Not to mention women are majority in there, so I doubt DZK point about "men have all the power" being a good one.
After I came back from summer vacation. Suddenly... I was replaced by a women. No warnings or any other stuff.
I just wasted time on vacation, which could've been used to get another job.
"You did great work, and your posts were awesome, but we think she fits us more, also she's director's cousin, so... well, bye".
Dont get me wrong, I really believe she fits more. I also didnt really like that job. But it could be done less ugly, I believe.
I'm aware about how hard sexism hurts women, cause I'm living in Asia and I see it everyday.
In my relationships I was trying to set us equal, I asked for my partners' opinions on every matter, I never forced sex or so w/e. I'm mostly asexual guy, who just wanted to find partner to build road into greater future. And it did hurt me a lot, since all my partners(and parents, and friends) told me "Cmon! You're so boring, be a REAL MAN, just grab her!".
I never did it, cause it's not me, it's not my personality to be a "real male".
So, is there any sense in putting me or anyone else in the same box with all "real males"?
Also some family issues... Blah blah blah... I dont want to get into this.
>**How I joined League community, and why I liked it.**
So, when one of my college friends called me to play League. Well... There was some light.
I jumped into the game where all my issues with society and relationships had no power on me. I became part of community which sometimes isnt that great, but there are really good people out there.
And I found some :)
I was happy, I got some *safe space*, some really cool friends from different countries.
And it felt good to be good in the game.
And it felt great to play game where no one can see your gender/race/religion/etc.
Yeah, someone can call it escapism, and there's some truth.
But it's not completely true, cause League's community is social culture, and it has it's place, as IRL stuff like sport/bikers/skaters/writers/designers/etcetc do.
Well... eventually it went downhill.
Friends I was playing togerther with were starting to leave game/play less, to play some other stuff/study/just live lol.
I talk to em sometimes, we're still in good relationships. But... There's something missing. Yeah... That way to interact with em, that reasons to join discord and had some fun.
Also our group in social network was deleted.
Cause creator just didnt want to play, or hear anything about the game.
A little about him: He was a god Ryze player, who managed to get with him into challenger when Ryze was around 44% WR.
He started a new account and was banned for "smurfing" and "boosting".
Ironicaly supported adviced him to create a new account, that was the line for him. He deleted all his content that he made for several years.
And our club which was one of the biggest on server just died in one day. And our discord server.
It had around 5k people in, we were posting memes, we had our local memes, there were dumbass tournamets like 6 statikks Ryze 1v1 with prizes and streams, and just overall good atmosphere.
I played less and I played solo this year. Till this summer, when my old friend joined me to play some normals every evening.
And we mostly were ranting about gamedesign/balance and all that stuff, instead of having fun.
And when I reached diamond for the first time in my life, and almost reached masters, with my garbage ass pc, garbage mouse for 2$ and 100-120 ping, random dcs and blue screens of death. I felt... nothing.
High elo is not fun to play. And you dont get anything for that achievment. Not even a jacket anymore :)
So my advice - dont go full time ranked.
And when I got banned for defeatism (I ofter asked to ff games at 15, cause it became boring and obvious who will win).
Well... I felt nothing too.
I was talking with Riot Support for a few days.
It was a bit of a sad conversation.
I heard something like.
"You're too DEPRESSED... it's unacceptable... get lost or create new account"
Hey, but new account is not FUN.
I was in high elo, I can destroy new players exp, I'm gonna be surrounded by trolls/toxic people after their perma/afks/smurfs/etc.
I tried new acc, its all true.
So Riot Supporter said me:
"Yep, new accounts are not fun... game state? well it will get better...we're working on it... maybe you should get some friends to play with, join club or something like this"
>**Well, I want to mention PAX event, without talking much about PAX event.**
Told ya about my country being very sexist?
Well, one big indepented media company was trying to fight it... and they did exactly the same as Riot's PAX.
They did set up a space project, they wanted girls to join some NASA like programm.
Excluded all boys.
I was really upset. I was talking to my friends like "What the heck?". And they all were "That's okay, there must be that project, girls need some help and boys are very selfish, they will ruin their experience".
With all that mentality like you know... "it's not a bad thing, it's the right way".
I felt that I'm loosing connection to friends I was knew for YEARS.
But it's okay... again.
It was hard, but I overcame it.
So, when KOTAKU post came in.
I was trying to support it. I was writing posts on CIS boards, and all of em were downwoted, some deleted.
Friends of my were supporting me, and thats cool... i thought.
But... Then PAX came in.
And suddenly all support from my friends was gone. They joined that "haha, stop crying pathetic manbabie. you are opressor and abuser, deal with it" camp.
Some of them were like "Cmon, its not worth your attention, ignore it".
And what if I dont want to ignore? What if I have story/thoughts/ideas and I want to share em?
I understand it's like one tear in the sea of salt. But I want to be sure I did some impact to end all sexism/racism/etc in EVERY SINGLE it's aspects.
I feel like I lost some friends... well for forever?... egh
But it's... okay.
Excluding is good way to solve problems.
I just dont want to my LGBT and women friends to look at me one day and say:
"Media were right! We cant be friends anymore, your gender is opressing, and I'm afraid you can do something bad with us. I'm calling police if you wont get out of my sight".
I feel like I must exclude myself from their party too.
I'm already working on it.
Well, in the end of the day... I feel exhausted. Right now I'm eating some pills, to get better, but not sure if they do the job.
But at least I'm getting more tolerant to my drugs. Is it something? I made a good start I guess. I'm not sure if I want to talk to any of my "friends".
Dont have money for psychotherapy, hope so I will eventually get them.
I'm not into any relationships anymore, sticked myself to be a single. Its been for around year feeling fine about that though. I never liked sex anyway and it always felt like I'm wasting time on datings.
>There're also some good news.
I found a good job. Starting soon, a bit hyped.
Also, almost figured out how FL Studio works (it took almost 3 years) and found some really cool VST's, and made track with one cool (in terms of experimental music) guy.
Already starting to write album. Guess it will be something like HOME (check this guy if like synthwave, he's awesome)
So, I just wanted to tell you my story, before I jump into new life (I really want to believe it's gonna be that way).
It took a long time to write everything, but I really wanted to share my thoughts.
And for all of you who did it read it all MUCH MUCH MUCH LOVE (even if you hate me).
Be nice with everyone.
Maybe not every white male want to be labeled as white male, maybe he dont want to be labelet as white male, maybe he's not even acts like white male, maybe he's a personality and wanted to be judged as personality? Let's find it out!
Guess it's my farewell to League community post, it's not that easy to say "Goodbye", but sometimes you have to, guess its my time to move on :)
Anyway, still going to miss some of you.
Wish you luck on the Fields of Justice... and peace, everyone.