I'm tired of League. The problem is in my mental health state, not in the game itself. But still...

Hello, my name is Andy. I'm from Ukraine, and as you probably know, my language uses Cyrillic alphabet and completely different rules than English, so I apologize for my awful language. I'm 24 years old. I was playing League since Kindred release, don't know exactly when that happened but I think somewhere in season 6. But I was never successful in the game, not because I am unable to improve as a player, but because I am unable to be consistent as a human being. Apart from severe depression that was diagnosed 9 years ago (time flies), I got an OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, long story short it's all about a lot of different obsessions that make your life way harder than it should be). Also, although it's not officially diagnosed yet, I clearly have some serious anger issues. There are also another problems, but they have nothing to do with League. I'll stop at those 3 that I've described before. 1. Severe depression. It does not influence my League experience as much. All it does is makes me unable to "have fun", that's why in my perfect utopian reality I only play Summoners Rift 5v5's because of competitiveness and stability of this game mode. I can't "have fun" in Normal games as well, I usually try my best until something goes wrong, and then I start performing horribly. 2. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. There are dozens of obsessions in my life. For example, I never eat or drink an odd number of something you can count. Two cups of water, two chocolate bars, four bananas at once, etc. Another clear example - I usually close, open and close my door whenever I leave at least 5-6 times in a row, before I make sure it's closed properly. Now, there are also obsessions that are related to League. KDA. It haunts me. I won't explain a lot, I'll just tell you that 10/7/12 is fine while 10/7/5 ruins my day. And 3/15/7 is way better than 3/15/19. Of course, it affects my gameplay, and since it's an online game, there are 9 other people directly influencing my score. Almost every game, regardless if I have won or lost, makes me feel bad because of imperfect KDA. There is also another notable obsession: good looking names. I have made more than a thousand, and I'm not exaggerating, League accounts just to realise that the name looks bad. I throw them away at lvl 1. Also, I'm obsessed with an idea that one e-mail should only have one account per server, so for every new account I have made a new e-mail address. I've wasted lots of time and money to buy new SIM-cards, to come up with good looking e-mail addresses, then to come up with good looking login names, then to come up with good looking summoner names. Plus I feel the need to change my e-mail on all the websites I'm registered on, so along with "restarting" my League experience I tend to waste an extra hour just doing this. There are also other obsessions as well. I've already said I only want to play 5v5 Summoner's Rift, but to get to the lvl 3, I need to play a tutorial or bot games that ruin my overall KDA, making it unduly high for a certain champion. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I can talk about this part forever. But I feel like it's more than enough. 3. Anger issues. There is nothing to explain. Hundreds of permabans after 1 single PvP game, just because I have stayed at base and flamed really badly for the entire game. It's either because someone gave up first blood, memed about my loading time (I have a pretty old laptop since I live in a kinda poor country where people can't afford all they want, plus I need to spend a big load money on rent, debts, food, clothes, medicine, and to help my parents), or just answered something rude after I said "Hello". Currently I'm kinda reformed, sometimes I'm passive aggressive but I don't flame other players anymore, I yell like Tyler1 instead of that. But it does not help me to enjoy League, anyways. To sum up, I'm tired. I am uninstalling this game and I hope to come back once I will be ready. Once I'll be healthy enough to not care about KDA, about my good looking summoner name, you know. I will probably continue watching streams on Twitch, although they make me angry sometimes because of how the streamer and chat discuss their first world problems like whether they enjoy pineapples on pizza or not, while my life is an endless labyrinth with a new painful surprise on every turn. I hate the world. I hate the humanity. I hate the fact that no one cares enough about my poems, although I have the insane potential. I hate sex and its propaganda everywhere. I hate myself. I hate the fact that I waste my life doing things that won't positively impact my future. I am even unable to save money for something good. I hate living and I hate my guilt complex that keeps me alive because I know my parents will suffer if I pass away. I hate being lonely, but I also hate not being alone. I see no spark in the future. Nothing will change. Ever. Uninstalling League is just one small step to remove some triggers from my life. I have started writing a book in Russian language. It will be a metamodernistic novel, written as a stream of consciousness, and it will be a very deep and long journey inside of myself. If I will have enough strength to finish my book, whoever reads it will feel like he just touched my guts. Touched them from inside. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. I also want to return to writing poems, but I don't like writing for nothing. And no one wants to help me with a promotion, to find a bunch of readers in social media, although I have some money. My poems have become so good lately, for real. Even with my OCD I feel like they are nearly perfect. But I have no one to share my poems with, just a couple of online friends who have their own problems and won't help me. No one wants to help me. Sometimes people say they do want, but they only make things worse. I'm at a dead end. I'm not even sure if uninstalling League will change anything. Probably it will. I'll play FIFA career mode instead, that's easier because if I have more draws than losses I can just lose the game intentionally. But it's all minor things. It's just sad that I'm so talented, pretty good looking and still young, but already wasted. I'm not a human anymore, I'm a waste. I feel it since the late 2015 when I broke up with my last girlfriend up to date. If I had a time machine, I'd go 24 years back and interrupt the sexual act that produced me. That's all I want. And I also want a beer, but I'm out of money. Thank you for reading, bye.
Report as:
Offensive Spam Harassment Incorrect Board